Birth parents

Today is my 54th birthday. On this day, a Friday in 1965, my mother gave birth to me, the records say, at the Cleveland Clinic in the holy hour (3-4 a.m.).

She was 16, my birth father, 17.

From what I could tell from the “non-identifying” information I was charged $50 for when I was 23,

Seemingly, I had more in common with my father. Height, basketball, class president, a penchant for trains. My mother, who sacrificed a semester to deal with me, was fond of camping and played a musical instrument.

The Children Services letterhead, since the Red Feather agency (I think that was the name) had long since disbanded adding yet another level of erasure to my already amorphous existential origin- the letterhead and contents of this letter are all I have of my heritage, my genealogy, my DNA. Who you would say I am.

Always watched but never seen

Records of our days, cataloged with no sentiment allowed to obscure the meta data (subjective conjecture need not apply) dot the landscape, forming an infinite grid of mortality.

Mortal implies limits, so an infinite grid of solely self-aware beings, our qualia, in particular, not involving anyone or anything else, carries each individual’s uniqueness, believing we are the onliest as our way of coping with the fact that as far as we know, this existence is finite.

I tell you bout the onliest man I knowed come from Virginia.

Self-awareness consciously knows and understands character, feelings, motives, and desires.

feelings, motives, and desires.

There are two broad categories of self-awareness: internal self-awareness and external self-awareness.[3]

External self v Internal self

These mean very different things to you and me.

You see, by our society’s standards, I have no reference for the internal kind. Everything I got I learned without the leg up of familiar tradition, unspoken understanding and qualifying acceptance. In a way, I’ve always had to prove I am not a mistake even though clearly that is all I amounted to in the end, a foolish mistake for my mother to regret.

For some adoptees, particularly those who’ve experienced early childhood trauma such as neglect or abuse, it may be difficult to form emotional bonds. Some studies suggest that adoptees may also be at higher risk for depression, anxiety, learning disabilities, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), or substance abuse.

Me at 22 in NZ

This started as a very different piece but between the narcissist showing me his drawing without caring about my writing kind of interrupted the flow.

The fact that I can’t really ever relax or do something mildly extravagant because I can never seem to get ahead, I’m terrible at getting reimbursed and in general, there are a million things I want to do, see, hear, and learn and chasing down the ability to just survive (it’s been that way for 20 years in the film and television industry) isn’t really my thing-the fact that I can’t really celebrate isn’t where I had hoped to be by now.

I’m tired. Tired of this particular existence that, the longer I live, seems more and more futile. Everything we were told was either a lie or a myth and now I’m in no position to take on the world as I once was, having been severely beaten, tortured and most recrntly mugged and stabbed in the past three years.

That’s not even the half of it. That’s not even what makes me sad. It’s the lack of friends I find myself enduring these days. The sadness just never goes away.

My sixth birthday

Moral Prejudices

Marlin Rand woke up, asleep, a dream within a living nightmare.

You like to daydream, huhn?

Head lost in the clouds.

Are you listening?

Listening not hearing. The world retracts into a distance illuminated by your reflection, the sun shaft reaching that taillight, sending shards of red through the blinds. Why do we call then blinds? Why are screen doors not calls deafs?

The noise is deafening.

The hard drive is named Friedrich Nietzsche, the router Liza Minnelli and the broadband a traveling troupe of Keynesian mechanics with carpetbaggers galore.

Absurd, says Cumquat Jones, the nommedeplume of Tennessee Williams’ unknown soldier.

… his “hypotheses” on the origins of morality to reading his friend Paul Rée’s book The Origin of the Moral Sensations (1877) and finding the “genealogical hypotheses” offered there unsatisfactory.

Nietzsche decided that “a critique of moral values” was needed, that “the value of these values themselves must be called into question”. To this end Nietzsche provides a history of morality, rather than a hypothetical account in the style of Rée, whom Nietzsche classifies as an “English psychologist”[2] (using “English” to designate an intellectual temperament, as distinct from a nationality).

What you give away

It occurred to me the other day that you might be lying about whether Ray Ray was a pathological liar.

Aren’t all junkies?

Creeps.

No. I was gonna say, everyone’s favorite junkie a premiere funky who gets sulky in his freewheeling scene -stealing calamide lotion staring down the street while you pop those friggled uptown

home of the brave my ass I heard her say as you walked away

But save that for another day

Sing the song of truth

No one knows your name

Bring in

calamity Jane

Citizen Kane

Nathaniel Zane

What?

Are you insane?

Some people call me loco

Mean Jean Feline

Coke machine

Powerful but

enamored

with the “wrong”

Crowd

The mind-made body

The largest trades

can be

gamed

— to no one.


while

just around the last bend,

he ripped everything up to

start over again.

a cry expressing an appeal for divine help.

This tariff on your soul

for a culpable nirvana

hosanna, a mantra,

no one repeats

anymore.

a cry expressing an appeal for divine help.

…a patient etherized upon the table

Do not ask what is it

Let us go

and make our visit


irrevocable distrust,
Coveting freedoms

Rintintin

begin

I hear your little cry when you had a nightmare

I cry so much I can’t wash away this oppressive stench of death
it comes so suddenly, so unfairly,
as if we are just some experiment
to be replaced by
artificial intelligence

The artifice of intellect,
an artifact of intellectus

understanding Intuition

awareness Perception

imaginal tulpa

adrift in a sea of forgetfulness


Emanations of manomāyakāya

l’esprit humain est câblé pour oublier

nous oublions

Nous (Greek)

the faculty of the human mind necessary for understanding what is true or real.

Nous (French)

we

man … how infinite in faculty

William Shakespeare

The mass-center is a fixed property for a given rigid body (e.g. with no slosh or articulation), whereas the center-of-gravity may, in addition, depend upon its orientation in a non-uniform gravitational field.

We have the innate proclivity

 center of gravity

the resultant torque  vanishes. 

center-of-gravity and the mass-center

the inclining experiment

determine our  stability,

On the verge of

course of action,

We freeze.

The Human Aura described thought-forms as simple ethereal objects emanating from the auras surrounding people, generating from their thoughts and feelings.

the plan all along.

If only feelings and ideas and stories and history really could be contained in a block of marble—if only there could be a gathering up of permanence—how reassuring it would be, how comforting to think that something you loved could be held in place, moored and everlasting, rather than bobbing along on the slippery sea of reminiscence, where it could always drift out of reach.
—-Susan Orlean

We believe in Infinite Intelligence.

A double whammy 

How could she have known? She was up against too much. Yet, like Sysiphus, she blindly persisted, pushing that rock of hypervigilance up each hill, sometimes twice in an instant. 

How was she to know? Know what, he asked. She silently sunk below the surface,  with a secret appetency for dissociative clamoring she could never dismiss.

The dissociative disorders are a group of mental disorders that affect consciousness defined as causing significant interference with the patient’s general functioning, including social relationships and employment.

Now, I must transgress while you undress…

The musty attic taste, the smell of malice hanging in the air, a dread-filled dream she never quite awakes from…

 Sexually traumatized children and adults feel stripped of their dignity and sense of control, and often reenact in feeling, thinking, and behavior the dissociated imprints of horrific, and loathsome memories. These and other untoward effects tend to encroach upon all spheres of victims’ existence—upon their bodies, minds, emotions, faith-based values, relationships, and cultural values. 

The persons being discussed in this article are child sexual abuse (CSA) victims, and sexual assault (SA) victims.

Or in her case, both. Complex & chronic. 

While in SA the trauma wears away and fractures the structure of the personality already fashioned, in CSA repetitive, trauma-on-trauma deforms the personality.

 In CSA the very foundation of the self structure is affected due the experienced battering to the spirit and injury to the soul.

Essentially, the effects of trauma activate and imbed within the survivor a legacy of chronic, unrelenting, inescapable traumatic anxiety. 

Both forms of trauma leave indelible trauma imprints on the mind and body, associated with both classical and operant conditioning and biochemical encoding of fear structures on the substratum of the self.

These trauma effects pervasively influences the way victims (a) process feelings, (b) think about their distress, (c) find a personally purposive theory of healing, (d) shape the quality of communicative interpersonal transactions, and the way they (e) experience personal identity. 


Studies have shown that women who have endured sexual assault are more likely to be diagnosed with a mental condition, such as anxiety, somatic, depressive, and substance abuse disorders, than women who have not experienced this type of psychological trauma. 


revictimization is associated with having been sensitized by the original trauma, and losing the sense of self-protecting acuity essential to accurate appraising of environmental risks…

Scientific findings reveal that sexually assaulted women who were also abused as children have a higher degree of psychopathology than not only nonvictims, but also CSA and SA victims.

These survivors, moreover, are more likely to suffer suicidal attempts, experience sexual dysfunction and general health problems, and a significant minority experience revictimization; that is, being subjected to another assault. 

Studies and clinical experience reveal that CSA victims are more likely to suffer severe mental illness… 

She’d already added revictimization to her stats; having subjected to another much more violent assault. 

How could she ever be hypervigilant again?


…revictimization; that is, being subjected to another assault. 

Depending on the age at the time of the trauma, adult patterns of sexual trauma symptoms differ significantly (e.g., trauma in early childhood vs. at the adolescent years, etc.).

Child sexual abuse and assault victims often respond with numbing of emotions, and avoidance of feelings, people, places, and circumstances that may trigger horrific remembrance. 

CSA victims strongly desire the abuse to end, and have had to adapt to violence and abuse over time-

SA victims eschew mental and behavioral rehearsing of the trauma and struggle to make sense of what has happened, distracting from [pain] to allow them to minimize the anxiety they would experience were they to become fully aware of the meaning of the sexual terrorism they had endured; they engage in denial, avoidance, and numbing. 

This excessive suppression of strong affect contribute to the expression of dissociative vulnerabilities. 

As a consequence of trauma, victims become hypersensitized to “sexual signals” from the opposite sex. They may perceive more “evidence” of sexual interest than non-traumatized women,12 as they scan the environment with high levels of hypervigilant anxiety. 

While one in every six American women have been victims of attempted or completed rapes in their lifetime, on American college campuses one in every five women reported being a rape victim at some time during their lives.

in 2001 there were 249,000 victims of rape, attempted rape, or assault. 

Studies and clinical experience reveal that CSA victims are more likely to suffer severe mental illness, along with acting-out, violence, suspiciousness, and hostility disorganization.

In child sexual abuse and adult sexual victimization the person experiences the traumatic onslaught as a transgression of the self. 

…Traumatizing abusers are often not relatives, but know the child victims they molest (60%). Fewer perpetrators are relatives of the children they abuse (30%).

Denial is particularly strong in victims who knew their assailants.

These survivors, moreover, are more likely to suffer suicidal attempts, experience sexual dysfunction and general health problems, and a significant minority experience revictimization; that is, being subjected to another assault. 

The fabric of her self unraveled at an unprecedented pace these days, ever since the beating, an ambush, the details slipped away with only a phone call from the scene to illuminate the black hole left in her brain by the repeated blunt force trauma, to the chin, each eye, the temples and the chest.

How was it that she had her bag, her phone, car keys and wallet? But no memory save driving down that hill into a hell she can’t even remember. The damage to her brain was permanent. What more could be destroyed? She’d lost everything more than once, never could have kids, lost her career to the whims of a crazymaker, and was told her status as the bastard child was reason enough for the continual abuse she most certainly “deserved,” by some  design, convinced of that meaningless existence that only adopted children know in their  bones.

All that matters is blood in this world. Without that, you are invisible, dissociatied from belonging, given up because you were a  burden, a mistake, not the apple of anyone’s eye, just there, for the taking. The trauma repeats with lupine prowess, until she can take no  more. 

That is where we are today. 

Biochemical encoding of fear structures on the substratum of the self…

They are on edge as they anticipate and evade further assault, take flight away from relationships and from life itself, and into the arms of isolation and stasis which strip them of vitality and of a future of possibilities and personal growth. These victims can benefit from the intervention of well-trained trauma therapists.

People often speak of “spirit” as being a part of the total self, as in the well-known components affirming expression, “mind, body, and spirit.” 

Perhaps the truth is that spirit is not “part” at all, but pervades the whole of the self. Recently, one of the authors saw a training card at a national trauma/substance abuse conference that read: “There is no part of life that does not contain spirit; therefore, spirit is not a part.
Now, what of the lost self that bleeds from erasure of self that comes with adoption?

How am I to ever heal? Each day brings intensified anxiety, skin crawling shame and the burden of blame that hangs on every bloom of joy, withering hope with malingering despair.

When you told me I didn’t matter, I believed you. 



  • Thank you for letting me express this pain 
  • Thank you to the author of this article CSA