Birth parents

Today is my 54th birthday. On this day, a Friday in 1965, my mother gave birth to me, the records say, at the Cleveland Clinic in the holy hour (3-4 a.m.).

She was 16, my birth father, 17.

From what I could tell from the “non-identifying” information I was charged $50 for when I was 23,

Seemingly, I had more in common with my father. Height, basketball, class president, a penchant for trains. My mother, who sacrificed a semester to deal with me, was fond of camping and played a musical instrument.

The Children Services letterhead, since the Red Feather agency (I think that was the name) had long since disbanded adding yet another level of erasure to my already amorphous existential origin- the letterhead and contents of this letter are all I have of my heritage, my genealogy, my DNA. Who you would say I am.

Always watched but never seen

Records of our days, cataloged with no sentiment allowed to obscure the meta data (subjective conjecture need not apply) dot the landscape, forming an infinite grid of mortality.

Mortal implies limits, so an infinite grid of solely self-aware beings, our qualia, in particular, not involving anyone or anything else, carries each individual’s uniqueness, believing we are the onliest as our way of coping with the fact that as far as we know, this existence is finite.

I tell you bout the onliest man I knowed come from Virginia.

Self-awareness consciously knows and understands character, feelings, motives, and desires.

feelings, motives, and desires.

There are two broad categories of self-awareness: internal self-awareness and external self-awareness.[3]

External self v Internal self

These mean very different things to you and me.

You see, by our society’s standards, I have no reference for the internal kind. Everything I got I learned without the leg up of familiar tradition, unspoken understanding and qualifying acceptance. In a way, I’ve always had to prove I am not a mistake even though clearly that is all I amounted to in the end, a foolish mistake for my mother to regret.

For some adoptees, particularly those who’ve experienced early childhood trauma such as neglect or abuse, it may be difficult to form emotional bonds. Some studies suggest that adoptees may also be at higher risk for depression, anxiety, learning disabilities, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), or substance abuse.

Me at 22 in NZ

This started as a very different piece but between the narcissist showing me his drawing without caring about my writing kind of interrupted the flow.

The fact that I can’t really ever relax or do something mildly extravagant because I can never seem to get ahead, I’m terrible at getting reimbursed and in general, there are a million things I want to do, see, hear, and learn and chasing down the ability to just survive (it’s been that way for 20 years in the film and television industry) isn’t really my thing-the fact that I can’t really celebrate isn’t where I had hoped to be by now.

I’m tired. Tired of this particular existence that, the longer I live, seems more and more futile. Everything we were told was either a lie or a myth and now I’m in no position to take on the world as I once was, having been severely beaten, tortured and most recrntly mugged and stabbed in the past three years.

That’s not even the half of it. That’s not even what makes me sad. It’s the lack of friends I find myself enduring these days. The sadness just never goes away.

My sixth birthday

Scorpio Moon

Here it comes

Here it comes

It’s just your

nineteenth

nervous

breakdown

“Writing is … what I do to justify the air I breathe,” Nikki Giovanni once wrote in Contemporary Authors. “I have been considered a writer who writes from rage and it confuses me. What else do writers write from? A poem has to say something. It has to make some sort of sense; be lyrical; to the point; and still able to be read by whatever reader is kind enough to pick up the book.”

without any assistance or guidance from you
i have loved you assiduously for 8 months 2 wks & a day
i have been stood up four times
i’ve left 7 packages on yr doorstep
forty poems 2 plants & 3 handmade notecards i left
town so i cd send to you have been no help to me
on my job
you call at 3:00 in the mornin on weekdays
so i cd drive 27 1/2 miles cross the bay before i go to work
charmin charmin
but you are of no assistance
i want you to know
this waz an experiment
to see how selifsh i cd be
if i wd really carry on to snare a possible lover
if i waz capable of debasin my self for the love of another
if i cd stand not being wanted
when i wanted to be wanted
& i cannot
so
with no further assistance & no guidance from you
i am endin this affair

this note is attached to a plant
i’ve been waterin since the day i met you
you may water it
yr damn self

–Ntozake Shange

Artificial Verse

MIT has developed a machine that writes poetry based on keywords you provide.


I watch her frown. I cry hello.

The otak is tiny, soft and deep,
But she has promises to keep,

She rises from her bitter bed,
With thoughts of sadness in her head,
She idolises being dead.
Facing the day with never ending dread.


Woah, dude.

As a disclaimer the site alludes to its plagiarized unity. Wait a minute that sounds too familiar, I thought. Sure enough, the toads divulged in the mellow wood and I, A.I. took the road less traveled by and that motherfuc*&ers has made all the difference

This never happens because Catholicism

A Hombre Alone

With thanks to the poet, Robert Frost, for the underlying structure.


The Road Not Taken 

Launch Audio in a New Window

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Cataloging your usage

After abandoning “Don’t waste your time,” I still needed a receptacle for the ongoing churn of real time, actual human assessment of the tools of our digital trade.

I’m an unofficial tester of all things related to aortic writings of a familiar lean. I’ve tried most interfaces and delved into a multitude of platforms. I stopped short of learning how to code (for dummies, et al) because I am too old.

The notion that I would fill up that brain storage space with a language designed to communicate with a machine that is supposed to evolve with me in the time space continuum just isn’t as interesting as discovering the one hundred she eleven languages officially considered “lost” since only one speaker of its native tongue remains.

Rastro philio pustrocity

Rastrophiliopustrocity was hard to come by these days, but she prevailed.

These dialects of our tribal languages are inextricably woven into the human (auto corrects to kung-fu, btw🤔) ability to commiserate, collaborate, communicate and concentrate on the meaning of words between like-minded folk.

Those spoken and written lexicons adapted with us over time.

Mutter see

Lena L. Leon

Tuko pamoja.

Together pajamas.


So then, what could’ve been the very first word to ever be spoken?

I have three theories.

Cuidado! a warning to your child that the wooly mammoth behind them is a threat to humankind’s existence.

I love you. The word love needed to be made one day.

God.

Either in caveman prayer or attached as namesake for that particularly desperate invocation, of mythological proportions, why have you forsaken me which must be addressed to some “one.”

We needed an anchor, preferably guttural, perhaps elliptic, but definitely a one syllable word for that guy.

We had to assign forever a gutwrenching association to some supposed creator (would the word for God be different had we known we were worshipping atoms as Adam?).

The poet never knows.

Battle cry


For the record

June 27, Two-thousand nineteen

Review of “mailbuzzr”

Graph and Stat

The possibility for greatness exists: fast, ability to maintain semblance of control over mailbox folders, loads ginormous amounts of unread emails without crashing like other apps. But no snooze option? Can’t customize the swipe actions? All I want is a better version of mailstrom where I can delete multiple emails sent by the same robot and actually check emails I want to respond to (mailstrom aka chuck in mobile platform – talk about weird branding) is good for mass deletion that’s it. So I tried buzzr for a second time since their app popped up as the bee’s knees. All I can say about it is the aesthetic is working for me, it loads fast and the notification sounds are rad. Other than that, there is nothing to set it apart from spark or Edison’s email (which has some terrific features but crashes too much) app which has added features to save you money based on your e-commerce records (without being cumbersome).

No ability to add email addresses beyond outlook or Gmail is limiting as well since I still maintain an old yahoo account due to the  personal and professional accounts associated with it. Not being able to do that means mailbuzzr cannot be the sole email app needed to manage an inbox  behemoth.

Rue de la ciudad

How does one redraw the narrative that tells the truth without giving it all away somehow not losing so mucho of you.

This Esperanto keyboard is keel of hello 80s to the jerk

Crash

The Boy Who Cried Werewolf (2010)

FEAR drives market ta

72.

Rules

Coburg Tyre

Conjecture

Another set

More gone

Ahead of the curve

. “Mary Jane” has moved from Woodstock to Wall Street

DISRUPTIVE🔌/Acceleration /

Panic mesh Ryder
Brain pain
Traumatic brain injury
Collassus

Answer no one.

Diffidence is self-distrust; modesty, a humble estimate of oneself in comparison with others, or with the demands of some undertaking.

Europe dies, Oceania Rises. Unified Soul Wanderers call bluffs while lying in wait.

A lair of shade.

Don’t forget to lock up.

They are watching you.

iEye©️MCESCHER

I almost wanted him to be god so he fouls up sometimes

The most dangerous enemy of truth and freedom amongst us is the compact majority—yes, the damned compact Liberal majority…

—Henrik Ibsen, An Enemy of the People

74.

Prosthesis Function Y

It was manifest waste

Subterfuge the strategic plan

Erase as you go

EtchASketch

Virtuales candidato listón para cambiar

A Minster de Diablo

I appeal to HIM

73.

Before you go —

Tyehimba

I have been touched by my God 
in my creation,…
of anointing callus across my face. 
I know the lyric of her pulse ..

-Tyehimba Jess

Carved Marble

God of the fallen water jug, 
of all the hope a vessel holds 
before spilling to barren sand. 

God of flesh hewn from earth 

God of flesh hewn from earth 
and hammered beneath a will 
immaculate with the power 
to bear life from the lifeless 
like a well in a wasteland. 

In a wasteland

I’m made in the image of a God 
that knows flight but stays me 
rock still to tell a story ancient as 
slavery, old as the first time 
hands clasped together for mercy 
and parted to find only their own 
salty blessing of sweat. 

INDUSTRY

Indus try

Inside

with

MJ Hempton

. “Mary Jane” has moved from Woodstock to Wall Street

DISRUPTIVE 🔌

Acceleration

…representing a 🔌


force for a slew of industries, including pharmaceutical, tobacco and beverage companies.

I’m made in the image of a God 
that knows flight but stays me 
rock still to tell a story ancient as 
slavery, old as the first time 
hands clasped together for mercy 
and parted to find only their own 
salty blessing of sweat. 


3

It’s like investing in the liquor industry in the 1930s, when Prohibition ended.

/

/It’s not just about getting high, though.

Problem is, signs are emerging that the marijuana green rush is becoming a bubble in search of a pin. But we’re starting to see a proliferation of dubious investments.

75.

A proliferation of dubious investment

Disruptive dissonance breathe recklessness

Predictive Discourse

No, no, let me guess?!

What? (*mouth full)

ah

Let me guess what you’re going to say next!

Why?

I would let you

predict, manipulate, disclose the expression of  anywhere from 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day…

Literary tomes

Yeah coz you only have

37,000 “thoughts”

which IS NOTHING!

An irrevocable negative bias

We have anywhere 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day, yes and on a daily basis these are 80% – 90% of negative thoughts that’s insane and most often they are the same thoughts that we have thought every day before yesterday. For as long as we can remember.

This is it

A Hollywood diatribe

A Washington fable

A Broadway revue

A three-ring circus sideshow.

Did anyone feel that earthquake yesterday?


Recused 10:14 a.m. on a cool, overcast June gloom morning, the fifteenth if June two thousand and nineteen.

Godspeed, Mandate Namaste, forever and ever booyah zombie.

Our brain and mind both are hard wired to overestimate the threats and underestimate the resources and opportunities.

From ancient sciences to today’s modern scientists have come across a term known as negative bias.

Egotists never seek to help anyone, regardless of their circumstances.

I to the negative power

Zeno’s dichotomy

Sun

The sun causes the fabric of space

to warp

String cheese theorists

The Facts of Existence

A Safehouse for Muses
SANCTUARY

We may solve, circumstantially, the augmented reality of a parallel universe.

Eurasia, a penultimate groupthink epiphany arises out of a simple equation.

Spillover effect

Spiraling, extreme, volatile, carbon-dated, altered sequences of DNA adapting to robo-vacs, wired rocks & the smart abacus as dimensions revert to chaos, incrementally – because

chaos is where it goes.

THEY ALREADY MANIPULATE OUR WEATHER PROJECT woodpecker

Woodpecker Project

American scientists working for the Pentagon have published research which demonstrates how to hide history as it happens.
A team at Cornell University working with the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (Darpa) has published a report in the journal Nature demonstrating how to hide an event for 40 trillionths of a second.

Two beams of particles travel round this tunnel are made to collide

The dispersion of the material is manipulated in time

Time:

the black hole in orbit

semantic equivocation.

the black hole of inaccuracies

  • dark energy

  • The black hole sun

    time is invariable through all portions of the universe

    These firms support mission-critical, high bandwidth applications involving cloud-based computing utilizing machine-to-machine connectivity.

    Chimp

    like chips

    clip

    Stockholm

    Stepford

    Saints and sinners,

    frozen dinners

    But you don’t

    can’t say how

    all that you do not know

    accumulated,

    Tied up in a bow

    semantic equivocation.

    the blockchain-backed registry provides a decentralized mechanism for centralized mechanics’ collateral damage


  • ˈɛlzəviːr

  • Elsevier – one of the world’s major providers of technical information.
  • As opposed to non-technical disinformation.

  • Their grip on information
  • ‘includes the entire academic research lifecycle, including software and data-management, instruction and assessment tools.[4]’

    a fragile mental picture of what was happening with each step of the algorithm.

    It is Friday before memorial day

    The Extreme Deep Field

    2:17 in well you needn’t

    Music is math

    There is that

    Or as she liked to put it

    XDF

    The extreme deep field

    Of you who are not the only one

    That’s artificial intelligence

    And me

    Hey hey hey hey….Alley’s the roughest place I’ve ever been
    All the people down there….Livin’ for their whisky, wine, and gin

    7 billion light years away

    Felt more like 6 million

    Closer than
    5,500

    Gal

    Axes

    galaxies

    How do you exonerate a feeling?

    OH to be fooled

    is not to play the fool

    Be kind heartened

    Learn how to hunt your attacker

    How can you possibly get enough time

    One minute

    Then another day

    Bad deviations

    Sad decisions

    Finally make their play

    Cher Baker plays

    These foolish things

    It’s as if he’s the only one who knows

    she thinks

    not alone

    Just isolated

    in her own debris

    Calibrated to degree

    take it easy

    3:27

    Black eyed peas and rice

    XDF is the deepest image of the sky ever obtained and reveals the faintest and most distant galaxies ever seen.

    • An eXtreme Deep Field of Dreams

    “XDF allows us to explore further back in time than ever before”, said Garth Illingworth of the University of California at Santa Cruz, principal investigator of the Hubble Ultra Deep Field 2009 (HUDF09) program.

    explore further back in

    time than

    ever before

    The universe is 13.7 billion years old.

    • the XDF reveals galaxies that span back 13.2 billion years in time

    So, .5 billion years, just unaccounted for (・・?

    The early universe was a time of dramatic birth for galaxies containing brilliant blue stars extraordinarily brighter than our sun.

    Yet 4,000 jobs will be lost in the industrial North. 4,000 people who aren’t your father, or brother, or otherwise denuded tree of life, stripped of industry by the forces at work at this particular time in this particular place, called Britain, a former great power, whose claim to fame in 2019 is all the fish and watery creatures (eels, loch Ness or Nessie, are filled with coke. Saturated in cocaine. High as Top Gun.

    (Free Willy followed Jaws, the Cuba Gooding, Jr. Ididerod movie was made after Old Yeller, White Fang, Benji and light years away from Benji: the Cold War Years and Benji: before the opioid crisis, and other tails…

    Mike McGyver arrested as a girl, for drug residue on his overlord plane.

    B-b-b-b-buh-buh-buh-benji and the Feds

    The light from those past events is just arriving at Earth now, and so the XDF is a “time tunnel into the distant past.”


    The youngest galaxy found in the XDF existed just 450 million years after the universe’s birth in the big bang.
    • The light from those past events is just arriving at Earth now, and so the XDF is a “time tunnel into the distant past.”
    • just 450 million years after the universe’s birth in the big bang, baby Galaxy was born in a morgue

    1-light is a slug;

    2-time tunnel?

    3-how distant past?

    Life = get addicted, go to detox tough love

    When I’m rushing on my run

    And I feel just like

    Jesus sun

    How is it this way we’ve become

    Gentleman fentanyl

    Bogieman grief

    Set-up just

    to set ‘er down

    Lie to disguise

    Gave the blues

    you choose

    HEROIN &

    subpar

    DNA

    Safehouse for the Muses,

    I’m

    Humming along

    Bring a disruptor

    Take a micro dose

    of the American dream

    and check your notifications in the morning

    reality is nothing more than our dreams turned into banalities.

    Jamake Hightower, Primal Mind

    honky hanging

    Cracker Barron

    of munch house

    oh yeah

    He died

    Didn’t he

    Overdose?

    Bunch of em showed up

    All two of Em

    Including nine multiple personalities

    Didn’t he allegedly burn up in a car

    A pacer in fact

    Completely in tact

    Larger than life

    King boy georgette

    Of long lines

    and razor blades

    Everything was escaping

    From what now is a

    vacant lot

    Lit up

    Fragmented

    Held up high

    expectations

    Abound

    Relentlessly

    Sold

    As long as there’s a

    Buyer

    He grinned

    Chimmm chin charooo

    So scary he was

    And the circus tents at

    State fairgrounds

    growing up right by

    the women’s state “farmand

    across the James

    schoolyard

    straight coordinates

    down stream

    The men’s penitentiary

    My mother would drive through ” these aren’t the violent criminals” hills while my brother and I took that shortcut more than we should. And driving recklessly he was, always in that 74 dasher we drove into the ground between Henrico and the independent city of Charlottesville.

    Of the 41 independent U.S. cities,[1] 38 are in Virginia, whose state constitution makes them a special case. 

    #FOMO

    you’ve invaded my brain go away

    Today