Ah, the double standard

Humanity sore

The list of double standards women face on their path to public office is plenty long: They should be pretty, but not distractingly so. Assertive, but never aggressive. Maternal, yet devoted exclusively to their careers. And every word that passes their lips should be spoken in a tone, volume and cadence that is pleasing to the ever-alert ears of their audience.

The path to any career not just public office but this was a story about women who run for president.

Now, you may ask yourself, where does it mention her looks? Have you ever noticed how most people when they reference a woman, often list the “way she looks” first in their descriptors, yet for a man, it’s his accomplishments, obvious potential and charming personality traits.

“A real smart cookie” isn’t something you say about the plucky upstart who defied the odds if that cookie is male.

Aggressive v Assertive

In modeling and etiquette school (yes, I was raised in the South with its cotillion and debutantes), we were taught to be assertive. Not aggressive. We were neither at the time, so this was confounding. Some might say liberating. Others, more trouble than it’s worth.

Assertive meant you stopped short of truly making any demands, always maintained a polite comportment with corresponding ladylike demeanor and could be perennially felicitous no matter the occasion. Suffering in silence slowly faded in popularity, and burning your bra was ultimately impractical.

Mother’s Little Helper, the blue pill. Salve for pent up discontent which evolves into aggression, if you don’t quash it early.

Be assertive is code for go ahead, but not too much.

“You’re too emotional.” I wonder how that sliding scale works – for women, it’s voicing any upset over being mistreated. Hysterical is just a few steps away.

But a man? Oh he’s just passionate! He really believes in what he’s saying! This guy’s serious! Give him what he wants! He’s a take charge kind of a guy!

Who does she think she is? She’s crazy! A real hydra! Harpy!

When I was in fifth grade, I wanted to be a CEO. I didn’t really know what they did but they seemed commanding, powerful. Perhaps that merely countered the powerlessness I had endured being molested starting at four years old. Perhaps it was the suits and heels.

At some point around the same time, I wanted, clearly and cognizantly, of sound mind and body, to be President of the United States.

The thoughts all girls have.

Harshly judged

Birth parents

Today is my 54th birthday. On this day, a Friday in 1965, my mother gave birth to me, the records say, at the Cleveland Clinic in the holy hour (3-4 a.m.).

She was 16, my birth father, 17.

From what I could tell from the “non-identifying” information I was charged $50 for when I was 23,

Seemingly, I had more in common with my father. Height, basketball, class president, a penchant for trains. My mother, who sacrificed a semester to deal with me, was fond of camping and played a musical instrument.

The Children Services letterhead, since the Red Feather agency (I think that was the name) had long since disbanded adding yet another level of erasure to my already amorphous existential origin- the letterhead and contents of this letter are all I have of my heritage, my genealogy, my DNA. Who you would say I am.

Always watched but never seen

Records of our days, cataloged with no sentiment allowed to obscure the meta data (subjective conjecture need not apply) dot the landscape, forming an infinite grid of mortality.

Mortal implies limits, so an infinite grid of solely self-aware beings, our qualia, in particular, not involving anyone or anything else, carries each individual’s uniqueness, believing we are the onliest as our way of coping with the fact that as far as we know, this existence is finite.

I tell you bout the onliest man I knowed come from Virginia.

Self-awareness consciously knows and understands character, feelings, motives, and desires.

feelings, motives, and desires.

There are two broad categories of self-awareness: internal self-awareness and external self-awareness.[3]

External self v Internal self

These mean very different things to you and me.

You see, by our society’s standards, I have no reference for the internal kind. Everything I got I learned without the leg up of familiar tradition, unspoken understanding and qualifying acceptance. In a way, I’ve always had to prove I am not a mistake even though clearly that is all I amounted to in the end, a foolish mistake for my mother to regret.

For some adoptees, particularly those who’ve experienced early childhood trauma such as neglect or abuse, it may be difficult to form emotional bonds. Some studies suggest that adoptees may also be at higher risk for depression, anxiety, learning disabilities, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), or substance abuse.

Me at 22 in NZ

This started as a very different piece but between the narcissist showing me his drawing without caring about my writing kind of interrupted the flow.

The fact that I can’t really ever relax or do something mildly extravagant because I can never seem to get ahead, I’m terrible at getting reimbursed and in general, there are a million things I want to do, see, hear, and learn and chasing down the ability to just survive (it’s been that way for 20 years in the film and television industry) isn’t really my thing-the fact that I can’t really celebrate isn’t where I had hoped to be by now.

I’m tired. Tired of this particular existence that, the longer I live, seems more and more futile. Everything we were told was either a lie or a myth and now I’m in no position to take on the world as I once was, having been severely beaten, tortured and most recrntly mugged and stabbed in the past three years.

That’s not even the half of it. That’s not even what makes me sad. It’s the lack of friends I find myself enduring these days. The sadness just never goes away.

My sixth birthday

The Extreme Deep Field

2:17 in well you needn’t

Music is math

There is that

Or as she liked to put it

XDF

The extreme deep field

Of you who are not the only one

That’s artificial intelligence

And me

Hey hey hey hey….Alley’s the roughest place I’ve ever been
All the people down there….Livin’ for their whisky, wine, and gin

7 billion light years away

Felt more like 6 million

Closer than
5,500

Gal

Axes

galaxies

How do you exonerate a feeling?

OH to be fooled

is not to play the fool

Be kind heartened

Learn how to hunt your attacker

How can you possibly get enough time

One minute

Then another day

Bad deviations

Sad decisions

Finally make their play

Cher Baker plays

These foolish things

It’s as if he’s the only one who knows

she thinks

not alone

Just isolated

in her own debris

Calibrated to degree

take it easy

3:27

Black eyed peas and rice

XDF is the deepest image of the sky ever obtained and reveals the faintest and most distant galaxies ever seen.

  • An eXtreme Deep Field of Dreams

“XDF allows us to explore further back in time than ever before”, said Garth Illingworth of the University of California at Santa Cruz, principal investigator of the Hubble Ultra Deep Field 2009 (HUDF09) program.

explore further back in

time than

ever before

The universe is 13.7 billion years old.

  • the XDF reveals galaxies that span back 13.2 billion years in time

So, .5 billion years, just unaccounted for (・・?

The early universe was a time of dramatic birth for galaxies containing brilliant blue stars extraordinarily brighter than our sun.

Yet 4,000 jobs will be lost in the industrial North. 4,000 people who aren’t your father, or brother, or otherwise denuded tree of life, stripped of industry by the forces at work at this particular time in this particular place, called Britain, a former great power, whose claim to fame in 2019 is all the fish and watery creatures (eels, loch Ness or Nessie, are filled with coke. Saturated in cocaine. High as Top Gun.

(Free Willy followed Jaws, the Cuba Gooding, Jr. Ididerod movie was made after Old Yeller, White Fang, Benji and light years away from Benji: the Cold War Years and Benji: before the opioid crisis, and other tails…

Mike McGyver arrested as a girl, for drug residue on his overlord plane.

B-b-b-b-buh-buh-buh-benji and the Feds

The light from those past events is just arriving at Earth now, and so the XDF is a “time tunnel into the distant past.”


The youngest galaxy found in the XDF existed just 450 million years after the universe’s birth in the big bang.
  • The light from those past events is just arriving at Earth now, and so the XDF is a “time tunnel into the distant past.”
  • just 450 million years after the universe’s birth in the big bang, baby Galaxy was born in a morgue

1-light is a slug;

2-time tunnel?

3-how distant past?

Life = get addicted, go to detox tough love

When I’m rushing on my run

And I feel just like

Jesus sun

How is it this way we’ve become

Gentleman fentanyl

Bogieman grief

Set-up just

to set ‘er down

Lie to disguise

Gave the blues

you choose

HEROIN &

subpar

DNA

Safehouse for the Muses,

I’m

Humming along

Bring a disruptor

Take a micro dose

of the American dream

and check your notifications in the morning

reality is nothing more than our dreams turned into banalities.

Jamake Hightower, Primal Mind

honky hanging

Cracker Barron

of munch house

oh yeah

He died

Didn’t he

Overdose?

Bunch of em showed up

All two of Em

Including nine multiple personalities

Didn’t he allegedly burn up in a car

A pacer in fact

Completely in tact

Larger than life

King boy georgette

Of long lines

and razor blades

Everything was escaping

From what now is a

vacant lot

Lit up

Fragmented

Held up high

expectations

Abound

Relentlessly

Sold

As long as there’s a

Buyer

He grinned

Chimmm chin charooo

So scary he was

And the circus tents at

State fairgrounds

growing up right by

the women’s state “farmand

across the James

schoolyard

straight coordinates

down stream

The men’s penitentiary

My mother would drive through ” these aren’t the violent criminals” hills while my brother and I took that shortcut more than we should. And driving recklessly he was, always in that 74 dasher we drove into the ground between Henrico and the independent city of Charlottesville.

Of the 41 independent U.S. cities,[1] 38 are in Virginia, whose state constitution makes them a special case. 

#FOMO

you’ve invaded my brain go away

Today

The mind-made body

The largest trades

can be

gamed

— to no one.


while

just around the last bend,

he ripped everything up to

start over again.

a cry expressing an appeal for divine help.

This tariff on your soul

for a culpable nirvana

hosanna, a mantra,

no one repeats

anymore.

a cry expressing an appeal for divine help.

…a patient etherized upon the table

Do not ask what is it

Let us go

and make our visit


irrevocable distrust,
Coveting freedoms

Rintintin

begin

I hear your little cry when you had a nightmare

I cry so much I can’t wash away this oppressive stench of death
it comes so suddenly, so unfairly,
as if we are just some experiment
to be replaced by
artificial intelligence

The artifice of intellect,
an artifact of intellectus

understanding Intuition

awareness Perception

imaginal tulpa

adrift in a sea of forgetfulness


Emanations of manomāyakāya

l’esprit humain est câblé pour oublier

nous oublions

Nous (Greek)

the faculty of the human mind necessary for understanding what is true or real.

Nous (French)

we

man … how infinite in faculty

William Shakespeare

The mass-center is a fixed property for a given rigid body (e.g. with no slosh or articulation), whereas the center-of-gravity may, in addition, depend upon its orientation in a non-uniform gravitational field.

We have the innate proclivity

 center of gravity

the resultant torque  vanishes. 

center-of-gravity and the mass-center

the inclining experiment

determine our  stability,

On the verge of

course of action,

We freeze.

The Human Aura described thought-forms as simple ethereal objects emanating from the auras surrounding people, generating from their thoughts and feelings.

the plan all along.

If only feelings and ideas and stories and history really could be contained in a block of marble—if only there could be a gathering up of permanence—how reassuring it would be, how comforting to think that something you loved could be held in place, moored and everlasting, rather than bobbing along on the slippery sea of reminiscence, where it could always drift out of reach.
—-Susan Orlean

We believe in Infinite Intelligence.

Out with the g-damn old already

It’s the eve of a new year, two thousand and eighteen years after the death of Christ, one of a trilogy visiting us in triage, a place we seem to be fast approaching, as we speak.

Other than Hawaii, and Samoa, we are last to know the next year.

I’m in some kind of hell, with anger issues all around me and I’m just a stoner from Goochland, Virginia who happened to be in the New Yorker last week.

The yelling is bad for me. The lack of any form of patience and the jail house rock. Training for trauma. Again and ago and more system install.

“Which country has New Year first – New Year 2019 and last uninhabited places to observe New Year 2019 – 12 hour format World Time Zone”

https://www.worldtimezone.com/newyear.html

So here’s to the nineteenth may it be our last chance since 2020 the sources of the sources say it’s all over now.

It’s been a year of onslaught and I iSsubordination, firings and I quits from our pillars of piety, trust and wisdom.

Yeah right.

We walked the talk

Activate another device

*228

Now we belong to someone else™️

Switch accounts

Registered to the wrong me

HappyNewYear

Last Wednesday in March

March 29th, a Wednesday, idol march, marching tides of woe spread across the land and so..

 

With all that I have been through lately, not more than some, less than others, on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst pain you have experienced, I guess being unconscious technically gives you a 9.7 or something because you don’t know it’s pain, it’s in and out of who you are and what they’re trying to take from you. In this case, my life.

img_9706

And that is the problem I face as I go through each day, with noises startling, except here, ironically, across from the UPS Delivery hub and near the brewery with its famous artist buttressing the 5 Freeway which always feels like it leads out of this place, whereas the others bury you right by the side of the road where they found you.

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It’s hard to have hope and faith when for the past 8 1/2  (one of my favorite Fellini movies) months, I have been consistently victimized by the system, which my frontier nature hates to say, I don’t believe in that, but it’s happened from a hostile neighbor to an illegally operating management company to the police themselves, twice now, once being tossed in jail for no reason and then treated as if I were some most wanted criminal because, quite simply, I was white. They will never say this or let it be told, everyone hates the dying race so much, they think it’s okay to be hating, berating and almost killing us – for the ‘sins of our fathers’ — they think it’s okay to destroy our lives, for no apparent reason, these are not people we even know, no crime of passion, no well-orchestrated specific reason to be brutalized over and over again except those of race and gender.)

The lawyer who committed slander, defamation of character, malicious intent and actually lied publicly in a harmful manner, deliberately trying to harm us by preventing us access to housing when we did nothing that she claims but because I was beaten and barely alive, could not do anything but try to recover for many many days and weeks and then someone lies and causes strife, illegally, a lawyer? Not such a great track record for our legal system from enforcement through supposed guardians of justice.

 The Sheriffs who detained us for picking up my own car because the tow yard is a chop shop about a mile from where I got beaten within an inch of my life, while trying to get a burger at McDonald’s. Who witnessed this? Why did the hospital then not call the police but told me they thought I was drunk so they just let me wait, and never questioned why my supposed husband never said he would be back or seemed to care if I actually woke up–somehow I did. I still have the stitches. The bruises are mostly gone. The head trauma, alas, will be with me longer, if not forever.

img_7081

The nerve damage done by LAPD and that first fiasco was permanent to my hands but this last beating and the hospital’s irresponsible treatment of me (all because I was unconscious — no one thought to consider that perhaps I was not drunk but had been harmed in some way maybe a car accident hit and run, as I thought, until we heard the recording of my call to my partner, which I still can’t bear to listen to, 6 weeks later…I cannot bear to hear it, it is too traumatic, still, overwhelming in the shadow of the past eight and a half months of consistent persecution — and for what reason? Who knows, if there even is one. Those who blame the victim always seek to find a way to plant their evidence on you, to keep their corrupt privilege operating without you in the way, or they just beat a woman almost to death in a parking lot for no apparent reason).

This is the first I have written of this publicly and some of you know or I tried to tell but you simply didn’t believe me or thought oh there she goes again, I seem to have the worst luck, maybe or you have already written me off for my freelance career and struggles to survive in a world that just was not ready for me. I was certainly ready to make my mark, a positive one, to live in peace and contribute positively to this world. That is all I seek and have ever sought. I don’t know how far I will get in that path as I am overwhelmed and exhausted each day, “just not the same” those around me notice, and for that I am pained, mentally, knowing ‘what has happened to me…’

To reiterate: around the third week of February the night before checking out of a very strange airbnb experience, I was severely beaten in a McDonald’s parking lot in the early evening hours and taken to White Memorial Hospital, who broke protocol at every turn, never even reporting my near-fatal ‘accident’ (accidental beating???) to the police, which is actually the law.

img_8550

I am invisible (adoptees know that), and expendable (the ‘film and television industry’ taught me that, after working with the most unloyal f-%$s you can imagine, and very few ‘friends,’ who actually have a soul in this town, I realized way too late) but now I feel destructible, worn-down, beaten up, tired, sad, soul-tired, suicidal on occasions but from existential nihilism more than any other specific, so don’t worry, I never do it, I love life and butterflies and the earth way too much, and I am just now trying to recover.

Please be kind. Please if you know me don’t use my honesty against me. I am just a human, trying to survive after someone speaking spanish probably two men, it sounded nicaraguan, beat me within an inch of my life near my car, which was impounded for $ 1,395 (all tow yards in Los Angeles say we were fleeced) and they called the sheriffs, who of course illegally searched us, what else do they do?

 

I suppose this is my statement since no police officer has ever asked. I have yet to see a judge. My case is a rare form known as a wobbler. Murderers and rapists are given the right to swift hearing but not the victim of police brutality.  This is the story of the past eight and a half months of my life, since last July.

 

Namaste, be well, my nerves are telling me to quit, the nerves in my hands, always from numb to pain now thanks to LAPD RAMPART back in July 2016.

 

Katherine E. Walker

born 1965 Cleveland, Ohio adopted 6 weeks later, my birthname we think is Turner

 

The Palm Tree Theory

”All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring; Renewed shall be blade that was broken, The crownless […]

http://seyisandradavid.org/2015/10/23/the-palm-tree-theory/