You’ve known you were object and subject your entire life.
How you meld those two polar opposites becomes the scar tissue, burrows of reaction time, a spiraling survival rate-
Your affliction, Dissociation.
They’ve got statistics and probabilities for things like that. Charts, graphs & data ad nauseum, tested and evaluated, substantial wariness.
The things that matter. The advertising campaign for global warming shows a beautiful tribe, no ugliest amongst the trinity of propagated paid perfected DNA, communication breakdowns and upper hand miscalculations.
￼ Sure, no problem is the most overused syllogism because to bring up the word problem infers a new subject.
The Clone Wars
The Chinese may take the blame for such a human blunder (invent your best nemesis and thrive – or not?) The Chinese roll the dice, we say the die is cast. We won’t give in, but out of stubbornness or that sophomoric, semi-comic chip on the shoulder of the youngest who’s put in charge.
We “won” the big one (the war with obvious moral standing) only to rot away to the core with secret wars, outsourcing our success, selling out our people.
- The deep state is on furlough.
. The Supreme Court should take a working lunch in a privately owned prison.
Some perspective is needed before the HD GD aliens show up with Ray Bradbury and Spock.
Really? Do I have to?
I have given my best, I gave it all. Now, again, empty, saddened, sore. I lie to myself to stay alive. I know no more what’s around the bend than what I could have premonitioned 22,848 hours ago. 260.82% of a common year (365 days)
My nerves are shot
and other takes on the crop
Here’s your man box
My days are numbered
I want nothing of your things
Just my dog back
I’ve become simplified by sadness
Sustained by grief
Not enlivened by the male-preferred vengeance option,
Not enchanted with feminine wiles of festooned and festering score keeping, backstabbing, hemming, hawing, knitting, gnawing.
She feverishly knits
As the blade tips
Skin from bone
of despair before pain
of one’s own death
as someone else’s
The object rests her case.
Subjective, empirically derived conclusions follow a rationale that factors in the rarefication of air up there, the way you always state, the mundanity of insanity in your world of columns and chambers where secrets are told in exchange for lies to uphold.
Saddened and succumbed to a weight of doubt too much for me to actually bear.
I am not sure I can take the insecurity of existence much more. You probably don’t know what I mean but it’s a roller coaster of freelance hell repeating a familial abuse that separated me from myself.
Dissociative disorder gets you by.
Thirty eight years of undoing what’s been done, and here I am in the thick of it again.
Fifty-three. Knowing so much more, feeling so much less.
Can less be much more than before? Is this all too Borgesian? Where am in the 11 dimensions, the 21 agenda, the trinity of existence, surrounding existence and inexplicable frames of reference reduced to spirit, contextual, biurnal, unequivocally repatriated subcutaneous angst. Which philosophers, physicists and poets agree is uniquely mankind-made.
While they digress over points of regress and surmise that sublimation is a given methodology accrued over time. Well, where did we get it then?
diversion of the energy of a biological impulse from its immediate goal to one of a more acceptable social, moral, or aesthetic nature, or use.
–which implies acceptability takes time, counters our intrinsic need for immediate gratification.
a purification or refinement;
respect; dignify; exalt:
ABC News reported congressional investigators are looking into Robert Foresman, now Deputy Chairman of UBS Investment Bank.
With Burnett’s help, banker Foresman “found his way onto the daily calendar of Thomas Barrack,” who at the time was chairing what would become Trump’s inaugural fund, ABC News reported citing internal emails. Burnett is the guy who was brought in to oversee entertainment for the inauguration festivities.
This is me Producer, The Apprentice
It is days from the start date to the end date, end date included.
Or including the end date.
Or including the end date.
Alternative time units
Alternative time units
952 days can be converted to one of these units:
Objective: to be gainfully employed, doing good work, finding meaningful purpose
Also: not dying
Doesn’t mean I’m not terrified
So lost & forgot
The hire me plea
Put my unrelatable yet invaluable Skills to work for you! Call today! I’ll work for sustenance! Namaste I’m quite sincerely & earnestly serious. I need work and finally must return to the pool of applicants but I am terrified of spinning wheels down more mistaken paths so I’ve tried to hold out as long as I could with more against me than anyone I actually know. Certainly my colleagues and peers.
I’duje to be useful, to collaborate, use my creative 10,000 hours and then some expertise, be humble, find some satisfaction in more little things I’ve already got in the bucket.
That is all.
Stress is calling
Strength from above
I ask for better days
Since I got hit
in the head
Amnesia set in on that trauma
Having a name for it now, we’ll, that helps I guess. C-PTSD. But I don’t even have consolation in things like my own family. Long story.
The last show runner gig destroyed me. They really harmed me. As did the season five producers, the si tv backstabbers, glass man and bbc worldwide. All terminated wrongfully but after Weinstein etc I feel lucky I was only almost killed and left for dead, but not raped (this time).
Just used up, paid a lot less, demonized and defamed by lesser talents who simply wanted my job once I’d spent my creative equity developing the format. Again and again this has been my fate. And I hate it. The managing up crap that any true creative doesn’t have time for.
The email guy, the ass-kisser/backstabber, credit-taker and Mr. CYA. I know them well. The just sleep with the ones who advance your career defiant “support” staff, the snarky I think I can do your job folks run the gamut from locations to cast. I know better.
There is no better at what I do. Let me describe it. Not here but soon for a project. I know there is someone out there who needs my extraordinarily honed skills, definitive talent, strong decision making and fearless creatively.
I know what I’m doing. Let me go do it. I only have a few good years in me left, like anyone, but I’m at my peak right now-intellectually, creatively and finally with the perspective on my groundbreaking tenure as a nonfiction storyteller in competition reality, social experiment discovery, surgery and science, multicultural exchanges across continents (I travel well, love learning languages & am good in emergencies).
therefore I eXist
I’ve worked in south Korea, South Africa and Greenland. I’ve created an apocalyptic environment for real people to test their ultimate survival skills. I’ve run shows about other cultural and ethnic identities (and was a better choice for not being of the same “bias,” or presupposed racial identity label), which ended up lending a credibility no one else could fathom.
Mostly because I have integrity and astute judgement. This can be threatening to many who want all for themselves. My former boss on the Apprentice, for instance, never knew of any jobs over the five years I sent the looking for work again email. Not one job had this major executive at CBS heard of. No crumbs he could toss, a bone he could throw. I worked 80 plus hour weeks for him, got two Emmy noms for him, made the series what it was for him.
That’s how it works. You work hard for the people you respect. I work hard anyway. I respect you until proven otherwise. Until you prove yourself to be toxic to me, and not worthy of my time. I know this now, the Melodies and Tats of the world. The Jens and Davids. Marias and Matts. The backstabbers and users nearly did me in.
I really have spent this sojourn looking within and seeking to go in a different direction. It still feels desperate. Freelance always does. I’d wanted to “transition” but got nearly killed instead. So I’m ready, willing and able to begin now. I couldn’t before. I had to much of their slime to wash off my shame and disconnect.
I’m ready to commit my highest level of contribution and better now.
Thank you so much for reading.