I am writing this while watching a documentary about the Godfather, looking at mandalas, recovering from the flu. It is rough and unkind, it is not my best work, I needed to say some of it, some will be pared off, carved away, regurgitated another day. It is Monday in November two thousand and eighteen years after zero, mankind years, 365 days measured in 24 hours measured in seconds of time that seem countable but we never tried sideways, or off-kilter, like a see-saw or weeble wobble.
It becomes something else. In the revision of the piece, congealed and clotted once its cooled over night, or days later in the thaw, new journeymen appear to tell it rightly so. It is 12:55 a.m., hard to keep track after sweating through three days of flu, sleeping in short intervals but in bed 36 hours is no way to live. I call it this strain the “kill me now” flu.
Three Joseph Campbell books, and Gwendolyn Brooks,
“..the planets move according to mathematical equations and thus resonate to produce an inaudible symphony of music.”
the song of the universe is a very mathematical equation
Shange in 1978
|Born||Paulette Linda Williams
October 18, 1948
Trenton, New Jersey, U.S.
|Died||October 27, 2018 (aged 70)
Bowie, Maryland, U.S.
|Education||Columbia University (BA)
University of Southern California (MA)
|Known for||for colored girls who have considered suicide / when the rainbow is enuf|
like the nightly news sign off seeing good boys and bad men follow the choppers, the jungle, the chaos, I knew this was serious, even 3 at 4 it was integrated into my little mind.
—when I wake up early in the morning —- I’m still — weeping.
LOVE FORTHCOMING NEVER-LEAVING
Methods employed by manipulators can be characterized as abusive, deceptive, devious, and exploitative.
Which of you shall we say doth love us most?
Where does one find such love?
“Our eldest-born, speak first.”
Our eldest-born, break the trust.
Do not say a word or else
Shame is the emotion that we feel when ‘we’ as a person are at fault, not our behaviour.It is the way we feel if we have fallen short of our own internalised ideals or if there is a public disclosure of a perceived weakness or defect.Erik Erikson argued that “shame is blame turned against the self” and Pete Walker writes that “shame is the death of self-acceptance and self-worth.”
Shame encompasses the entire self.
The truth is
Shame differs from guilt
I’m still processing this. The irony is my identity has been erased (the good part, the one where I am related by adoption to my dad who died a few years ago and told my husband some choice words about the matter that freed me of that worry — that he wouldn’t believe me; but my mother who is still alive, and also believed me, said nothing. But after two months had gone by with the perpetrator vilifying me, causing us to become homeless and ordered her to ‘disown’ me for being obviously crazy and suddenly after 39 years a pathological liar and drug addict who would say anything to — do what? — in reality, for asking them for help with therapy as by now I was overwhelmed by an abusive boss on The Apprentice and a central nervous system disorder caused by black mold my landlady refused to address despite being cited by the State). This was my reality. This was my shame. This has never ended, just continues, and will be silenced, as per his wish, because disclosure did nothing but hurt me beyond anything I could have imagined at 4 years old.
I am not sure there will ever be healing for me, as my life seems only to get worse. It is true. I am not a sad sack. I am one who will sacrifice more than you can fathom for certain ‘principles’ that, it turns out, don’t even matter, and nobly suffer at my own expense, but for what end, I’m no longer sure since it seems to be leading nowhere.
Negative intelligence, anti-intelligence, beliefs, propaganda and the part that rewires religious as justification for personal psychosis, imprisoning people in the name of the god who is supposed to free them, killing human beings who god supposedly went to so much trouble to create, desecrating life on earth, the garden of Eden, we look elsewhere because we are in denial, the good cannot face that we have destroyed what we were given stewardship of, the evil can’t wait to challenge whatever it is up there or outside the atmosphere we can see, the reality we accept with our human senses, they are welcoming the death of everything, thinking like lizard brains that they will be able to ‘take it with them’ and the more ‘it’ that they obtain through hook and by crook, the better suited they will be when they throw holy book at the lot of them.
‘What do you make so fair and bright?’‘I make the cloak of Sorrow:O lovely to see in all men’s sightShall be the cloak of Sorrow,In all men’s sight.’‘What do you build with sails for flight?’‘I build a boat for Sorrow:O swift on the seas all day and nightSaileth the rover Sorrow,All day and night.’What do you weave with wool so white?’‘I weave the shoes of Sorrow:Soundless shall be the footfall lightIn all men’s ears of Sorrow,Sudden and light.’
Born Paulette Linda Williams
October 18, 1948
Died October 27, 2018 (aged 70)
for colored girls who have considered suicide / when the rainbow is enuf
it was just yesterday
The Name: Everything