Reliving the trauma 

The therapist said – you’ve been RE-living this trauma for the past 46 years…

It was then that I felt no hope.

Immobilization occurs when you’ve experienced an overwhelming amount of stress in a situation and, while the immediate danger has passed, you find yourself “stuck.” Your nervous system is unable to return to its normal state of balance and you’re unable to move on from the event. This is PTSD.

gone

Feeling unsafe, for reasons that have more to do with our perceptions than life-threatening events, is a common experience we face as humans. But your nervous system has a remedy for the fears and insecurities that create stress, depression, and anxiety.

If you know how to engage your nervous system and connect to others in ways that are rapidly calming and energizing, you can remain secure, focused, creative, compassionate, and socially engaging. 

 remain secure, focused, creative


Your nervous system is command central for keeping you safe. It’s like a built-in antenna that is always asking the question, ”Am I safe, or do I feel threatened internally or externally?” When your nervous system is in doubt about your safety, the rest of your body shuts down as you prepare to fight, flee, or freeze. In this defensive state, your body’s ability to preserve and protect you is compromised.

I’m so fucked. How will this ever end? Except death. Is that really it?
PTSD GUIDE

The blankness

The thoughts that run through your head when she forgets to pick you up from the hospital and he decides to go to sleep while you walk home from jail.

These are people who say they will be there for you in your darkest hour then leave you stranded. 
Which is worse? The martyrs always compare, a sharp stick in the eye or a dull stab in the back? The pessimists, global warming or mutually assured destruction? Roll the dice. 

There comes a time when

everything is slipping away

a distinct moment

when

it went from

hopeful future

building on

a life’s work

endless sacrifice

for too many others

at the expense of

erasing yourself

or better yet

never having even

had to be here

in this hell

on earth

hell is earth

with other people

who hurt you and

leave you for dead

no cares in the world

oh, let’s go

bad stuff always happens to her

 

well they wonder

why you disappear

never wanting to

come back again

 

When life-changing 

Changing tires, changing moods

But life

What is life itself?

Is it your life?

Is it mine?

Is it amorphous or absolute?

Ephemeral, eternal or just a passing blight?

I can’t tell any of us have it in common since my life has been handled as not a life at all. 

And when that happens, even fewer hear your call.
So if you survive this, you can’t accept it, the fact that your life can be so casually derailed by such evil. 
It takes all faith from the world, all hope from the heart. No one cares, that’s apparent. It’s just passing showers of attacks and jibes. The joy barely resonates, after so many attacks, you just hide inside.

Don’t read this 

I used to give 5 bucks to the police fund coz I thought maybe 25% were good. Now I can honestly say maybe 14 cops in the entire country aren’t evil sadisric liars. 

There is no we the people anymore 

The police act hostile immediately. There is no investigation. They can bring four officers to your door, lie (repeatedly), ask you o step outside to answer a few questions. You comply, wondering what this could possibly be about. 
You are not asked any questions but are told to face the wall and put your hands behind your back. When you plead why are you dong this? They threaten: I’m going to charge you with resisting arrest.
You are told they are putting you in an air conditioned squad car but instead tighten your handcuffs and throw you into the plastic seat of a patrol car (there are now 4-6 back up cars and many people bullying you with no communication other than this woman says you did his so if she makes a possible identification , you’re gone. 
What if she is lying? You want to be charged with resisting arrest?

The backseat is not only air conditioned so you would fee more comfortable (I’m having ho flashes and pretty upset by now as I was to fly out to a funeral) and put me in a hot car and then roll up the windows.

About a minute later when I start to feel sick, I move in the back i try to help my writers stop stinging because now I’m so hot I’m feeling like I’m going to have a panic attack and my handcuffs are cutting into my wrists so much I’m crying – the female officer approaches aggressively to bark at me what are you doing? In an accusatory voice. In a hot car with Windows rolled up.

It gets better.
I was completely stripped of my rights and punished the maximum for a crime I did no commit. I used to see both sides and feel like there were some good cops. Now I must revise my opinion and say th police are definitely against us and they are mostly sadistic, not emotionally intelligent (if at all) enough to handle normal conversational speech — they attack and say you can’t ask them that, and then threaten you always .

 They are clearly worst to the blacks by far, then any white person (only women were prisoners that night) gets treated worse than that because there are less of you and they think you’re scum – most were elderly mentally ill homeless women, and a woman wins warrant- there were no Latina women and very few Latino men. The men were mostly black and one disoriented little old Asian man who asked for meditation and was denied as as he walked away the staff made fun of him.

They make fun of every inmate. They “assume” you’re guilty. There’s a code you can’t decipher but know exists – I was on the treat like shit List for sure.
More details on the lovely metro inmate center where you cannot get any information because each department says it has to be wait to be called from the other department. No one can ask anything. They have a sadistic procedure in place to maximize sociopathic behavior of the police force.
I am now going to have to go to court and sue for a crime I did not commit. I caninky assume the woman who aggressively provoked me then was able to get the police to immediately treat me as if I were whitey bulger is 1-she knows someone in the LAPD; 2-she and the management company ar behind a recurring problem in my building.

So yay I get to sue another slulord and deal with a psychotic horrifyingly ugly person (the kind who are mean about their appearance and lack of anything but being a bully) who is my neighbor.

Do I get a restraining order?

And today, on top of all that, my favorite uncle who I adored died. I was supposed to fly out to see the family and would be there had I not been arrested and held for 36 hours for a crime I did not commit.
Another reason I wonder why I’m even here. I’m adopted. I was a mistake. My career ‘so over thanks to people who illegally terminated me. I could no have children so as a woman I am Considered barren, lesser, irrelevant . Plus no kids, no one cares when you die. I’m a failure after all and my spirit is broken. 

I need to find the money to go to this funeral since the police brutality and expense has wiped out all the money I had.
I am a doomed human being. I wish I had never been here on this plane of human suffering and people who betray you, aren’t your friends, can’t even pick you up off the street where they dump you at 130 am downtown LA. Real nice guys. Fake friends. Worse than that. They steal from you when you’re Down. That’s my weekend .
I’m at my wits end now and Need to find a way o New Hampshire right away

zuni
four corners

Waiting for luckless 

Waiting for luckless 
A certain 

Rage in the 

Background 

saying 

serpent-like

Surrender 

For the better 
Do anything 
Anytime 
No one cares 
Anyway 

This is what

They said 

Before they

Shipped 

the rest

to a

Certain demise 

Not me 

No

Not a chance 

I’ll die

Free

Not in 

Your shackles 

On my 

Mind 

Your chains

custom-fit 

Every God has 

His day 

A

Living 

hell on earth

Nothing more 

As atheists proclaim 

This is 

what 

you

came 

for

sneers 

at you

over 

the

radio

Free

Location 

Not 

Disclosed 
A moving target

never 

settles 
bullseye 
Going about 

Your day

Why did you have 

THAT in your 

Possession?

how is it that 

you’re searching

my trunk

already 
protect 

No thanks 

I’ll take care 

of my own 

“safety”

thanks 

and serve?

you mean 

like

she won’t serve me 

cos you owe her 

for last dime 
Who cares

The rhyme is

The reason 

Plain and simple
Uniforms 

Can’t cOver 

At-large 

Among us

as we bicker

The finer points 

Of your 

thoughts 

off the grid 

In 

This 

Three ring 

Circus sideshow 

Here we are 

In the sand 
Wind 

And sea

weeeeeeee misogyny 

Spiked  deluded

majesty 

made

Dearer in absentia

Hallelujah 

Slid down 

ripped torn 

Luscious invention

This is your poet laureate

Speaking here

Stop the killing 

No life’s Inconsequential 

We send you to another 
Planet 
We have no time left 

to 

Gesture 
You’re now 

the enemy 

Authorities  

incarcerate 

Liquidate 

Prosecute

Execute
I know not 

What else 

to do

but 

not be

silenced