No one really cares about your woes and the truth is you don’t even tell them because the further rejection of your needs to survive, just throws you further down the hole. And so it’s best to just hide it all and try to escape with nothing — and mourn and grieve the loss of everything. I cannot seem to get along, there seems to be some attitude against me based on things that have been said over 5 years, despite the 44 years before that and all the things that maybe I could add for understanding, but understanding is not sought. Just judgement, selfishness and a certain expulsion that I am getting so tired of. To be kicked out of houses and homes in so many instances and for no reason other than they don’t want you there–they never really wanted you there, you were adopted, they felt sorry for you or you were a pudgy little trophy ’til your life took a turn they didn’t expect or endorse, and how after denying your talents for the first half of your life, so you started from ground zero multiple times, they are poised with evidence of your failures. And that’s all that matters to them. And this is why quite honestly I am done with my life, it’s not getting any better and I’ve tried, I’ve done, I’ve worked harder than anyone around me because I thought that was what it took, my work ethic and energy were indefatigable. I was too kind to assholes. I have let everyone take advantage of me. And now here I sit Henry Miller broke should feel like a clean slate (but he was young and in Paris) and now it just feels like a wasted life. I don’t want to be here any longer if this is all it’s going to be, this past year has been nothing but bad, bad, bad and after building myself back up to try to have some sort of life, I’m back to nothing again, no prospects, $ 100 to my name, no jobs, no home, and yet, it won’t stop. No one will call and recognize my talents and say they need me (even though I am sure my skills and personality could benefit someone I can no longer sell myself, especially since I am crying all the time now).
I write this not to complain but as a form of catharsis. There is not one good thing in my life right now and it’s been like that for a very long time. I am wearing out and cannot even do the drill of asking for work anymore. I don’t see how I am going to survive. Surely there should be a service to just erase a life that is essentially worthless.