He watches

As she silently slowly drifts away

without knowing

because how could he

with no eyes in the back of his head

his escape carpe diem these days

better than the old stuff

but in with the new

and quite frankly

she can never continue if she says

in her head

some presumptuous line

like ‘quite frankly’ and

that often prevents her from saying something crass or boorish, stupidly bitter or revealing just how not worth it her life has been

Because what good would that do.

It’s a mixture of a bad bad marriage Seymour Cassell and Edie Sedgewick I want to say but Val Kilmer is there as Jim Morrison and the Venice mural comes into play because as I go through this extremely confusing I don’t know what else to call it other than ‘mid-life crisis’ and I tried, Suzanne Somers, I really tried, but not everyone has the same luck with their husbands, porn, menopause and thigh masters. Something is always amiss with me and I’m sick of it–but even as I say that I know I am being overly dramatic or that of course I caused my own reality, so what of it? Really? What is your fucking point? Do I need to suffer mercilessly for doing something that I actually still love and taking a stupid risk on that and learning a craft that ironically as soon as I am confident in my skill-knowledge-ability to transmit info/collaborate at highest level-in that medium, I pretty much get thru the last wringer where I think, why am I doing this. I am moving on to plan b way before I thought I would because I don’t know, adaptation. Why ? I don’t know., I could be dead in a week I could be dying right now. In fact, technically, medically, I know I am.

but as I don’t know anything about my bloodline or my future, I’m just going for the present tense.

and I know this is a #mess in need of #revision but I will get to that later.

it’s just the words of a girl who used to write down words on paper

and now thinks

ratt a tatt

tatt leave me alone

but come closer don’t you know