Taken me this long to (sort of) accept my ways of doing (or not, which is what increases the useless anxiety over failed imaginary tasks I actually wish I could do – the ones revolved around getting my life back in order – which still sit there, bad credit score started with doctor bills and a huge dose of helplessness when it. Came to spitballing out of control after a certain pattern had set in.
So why this is relevant is I am trying not to fall into that trap again and my goal is to keep it together as much as pustule -so with the very short-feeling weekend thinking of celebrating the first few hours of veterans or Columbia day tomorrow and easing back into the week after a minimalist in terms id productivity and even leading the life I want.
It was all brain cortex massive thinking and sore wrists and the kind of mind that can become completely lost in relative and repetitive patterns as I think about other things too but actually don’t take action – I have to figure out how to create & build a geeky hire (that’s what auto correct did with the word ‘healthier’ so I thought id leave it as automatic writing poetry rapper’s delight grammarian’s apoplectic fit.
Meaning I get obsessed – I spend a lot of tone at work because I need to because it’s just that much material to get your head around – and the show (ESP this one) is owed that attention by my creative task make entertaining TV about real people using their versions of themselves they want to be known as (you have to be fine with over-reacting in this realm whilst keeping calm about the big stuff).
So I have yo shift fears (and gears – frets a la auto Corrina here who has a handle on my psyche but not so much with quick typing -!its how when I wonder if Asian characters aren’t easier they typing your blog on your phone while going thru stage 1 of getting ready for bed.
Stay off the negative path (the I don’t want to smoke at all bit I’m down to 2 today and even tho that doesn’t mean I achieved very many
Of those lofty goals of Friday night big shot got a weekend off to accomplish very little and want to stay up working on creative mish mash that doesn’t amount to much but fomenting potential right now.
Will try to stay on track (body has slid way into deficiency from where I was a mere month ago-got to get that back) – and move forward.
The closet is a vortex that sucks up a very big amount
Of precious morning time
I still have to get ready for this event that I just signed up for without giving too much belaboured thought to – so now I can obsess about how much and what style of buyer’s remorse should I be feeling mixed with how much guilt over having been so perfect so long ago (but wound so tight & conditioned to punish myself if I didn’t have it all together). Well a freelance career solved that for me.
That Perfect storm of family system breaking when and how it did; the ridiculous stupid first car incident & then as I was trying to be responsible and not even drive for that designated time peyote (period) — that is the time that he needs the car to frantically supply some craving that only amount to paranoia in the end
because that truck pulled out and totaled the nothing-but/trouble Jett’s car that I still owed a big
amount on considering ( if you could flash forward in real life ) how quickly I would become so sick that everything was in jeopardy and I had no backup.
In fact, I got attacked from within Bs learned some very valuable lessons which I am not sure translate after the fact
But keep cards closer, don’t key slumlord and crazy makers @ work destroy me
To such an extent that I gradually Succumb to an illness that goes after my nerves – which are shot from all the shit I was dealing with. Now it has begone overwhelming to even know where to start cleaning up that mess while solely moving ahead and not editing for the other shoe to drop
Lesson 3 (1&2 were in the thick of the ‘can’t get any worse’ period there – accident – finances in disarray – getting sick from blAck mold toxins without realizing what was going on and then. Being simply too Ill to deal with on my own (we’re talking a big brother type or family member who’d lived at my patents house for 6 months and who I declined to come remove me from my situation of impending doom.
The novella self-non help book I crafted then on that horrible #2 bus was titled ‘squandering’-I’d worked out my behavioral theories.
Now I just want to keep it together and get a little routine that incorporates a healthy time for me – in rekindling the ability for taking care of business’s & the creative discipline i just need to round myself that I’ve been cultivating so As not to fall into disappointment and Rosslyn type despair.
The music is no longer calming but driving agonist allude almost semi urgent so I must sigh out and shower.
Please watch over everyone I couldn’t call back yet or those I want to reach out to back ‘home.’ I wish Kita could go with me.
This got severed from an earlier live of resigned reasoning – how work (overwork and abusive behaviors all around me plus
The unbeknownst til it was way too late illness that weakened me beyond belief – the dissociative peak for me as I easily could have died I was losing weight so fast despite eating plenty to stay at my normal weight. Scary – didn’t know whet was happening to my body nervous system and brain until it was too late to do something about having a safe place to live (and work for that matter)
Not a good place to be. I hope to turn it into some (better than) thing (thus ‘adding value’ to personal disaster if roux proportions) – or eventually utilizing the experience to help others in a meaningful way – so
Going thru an upheaval so extreme is not something I want to do again until the end when I know it’s inevitable ESP with the bad news brewing -the world will end in fire and ice- we are doomed to die and quite possibly see the end of our species unbridled claim of dominance