When I am working, I am too busy to really think about much else than work and keeping it together on my often 18-hour days, but when I am out of work, as I have been for a month or so now, I contemplate every detail of my existence, past and present, until I have worn out all thought, like a worry stone worn down to sand.
I listen to everything, the horoscopes that contradict each other, like today — the bad has finally broken, now is a good time for prosperity, then another that says I may feel that people have turned on me, and another about romance or how organized I am. Nothing comes true, in all eventuality. I just keep wishing for a change, a turning tide, an old friend who will hire me, something from my past that actually pays off, in a good way.
I feel cursed by the fraction in my family, although I have been told to let go; if you let go of everything, then there isn’t anything to hold onto, maybe nothing to weigh you down, but no anchors either, and I am anchorless, feeling alone and isolated, beaten down and a bit shattered, as I face the inevitable, here we go again, don’t know what to do anymore, that so many of us are in the thick of right now, having lost jobs and homes and family. Where else is there to turn? Courtney Love says when they froze her bank account and she was living on $ 14.26 a day [somehow I doubt that, but okay], that she relied on ‘the kindness of strangers’ — that a travel agent actually put a hotel room on his credit card for her. Wonder if she ever paid him back. Funny how people will help ‘celebrities’ but not regular folk, who need their ‘help’ even more.
Rent is due in 2 days, I have no job and now way to pay. I have $ 12 to my name that I can’t access. I am waiting on a reimbursement check that will buy food for a few days at best, maybe a week, but I don’t know where I am headed or what to do. This work fiasco is enough to do you in — so many people just want jobs, yet there is no way to get one, either overqualified, not qualified for the job they have, or just can’t find the way in. I know there is someone who needs my skills and dedication — but I can’t find them. Will they find me? And, in time?